Irvine Is My Neighbor
by lovelace.shrew
Summary: An unusual experience in the psychotic mind of Xu.
1. Yard work And Such

Yard work and Such

Yeah, the sun was beating down with extreme vengeance, but I wasn't going to have time to take care of the lawn later. This was important! It had to be done! And oh no! I had to do it then over all else! Don't ask why though. So after watering the flowers, it was cut the grass, then weed the garden, then die of heat stroke right after a refreshing glass of lemonade. So I was pretty much had my work cut out for me, right? So I was pretty much gonna just do my yard work in peace, right? Of course not. While I was hosing down the daisies under the front windows, my neighbor Irvine pulls in his driveway. Really, it's about 100 degrees outside, I don't want to put up with Irvine. Irvine, is my neighbor of about two years, and I've been strategically avoiding him as much as I can because he's had a major crush on me since the moment I moved in. He doesn't even try to hide it either. I mean, if he is, he doesn't do well, at all. So needless to say, I had to get out of there. I had to make a run for it! I had to hide!

"Hey neighbor!"- Trapped! Like a rat!

"Hey Irvine." I said trying to get the hose ready for take-off,

"I noticed you're watering the flowers."-...Duh...

"Yes Irvine, I'm watering the flowers." I said trying to end the conversation as soon as possible,

"You know it'd be better if you didn't water them when the sun is still so high. Not meaning to meddle or anything, but the sun's heat evaporates all of the water, so your flowers actually end up dry."-...Grrrr.

"Yes, yes Irvine, I know this." I said glaring at him in his business suit, with a perfectly matching tie, black-framed glasses, and his boarding school-boy hair that was slicked back, which drove me absolutely mad to the point of wanting to pull all of my hair out and give it to him so he could cover up his hair. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked in his house.

I did finally finish the yard after long grueling hours of demanding physical labor in the merciless sun. I figured the sun was just about down by the time I finished, I should go straight to bed. I was totally beat. But really! "Cuz the water will evaporate, and the flowers will be dry, uhhh." --! If that isn't completely obvious, what is!?


	2. More Likeable Neightbor

More Likeable Neighbor

I had worked like a dog to finish my yard, so by about 7pm, I decided it was time to hit the hay. It was a nice warm summer night, and those don't last very long. So I decided to enjoy it while I slept by leaving my window, which just happened to be the one that faced Irvine's house, open. My bed was soooo comfy! I would've fallen asleep, if just then I hadn't heard the most atrocious singing ever! It was Irvine, 'singing in the rain'! Now tell me I've been drinking too much coffee, but, I couldn't stand it anymore. His singing irritated me more than his hair! I had to get up! I had to shut my window! I had to cut off the terrible sounds of Irvine howling at the moon! And that's exactly what I did.

I got up out of my nice cozy bed! I dragged myself over to the window! But then I stopped dead... I couldn't believe what I was seeing... It was Irvine, I think?? I'm pretty sure it was. No! It couldn't have been him! That red-headed, green-eyes hottie just stepping out of a steamy shower. Pinch myself, rub my eyes, anything you can think of to try and prove that I wasn't dreaming, I did at that moment. Just look away Xu, just look away... Forget that! This was too awesome! Absolutely un-real. Who would've thought my dorky neighbor looked like that? I knew it was wrong, but my eyes were stuck, really, they were... Hmm, good excuse isn't it? Nah, not actually.

Not that I'm normally a 'weird' person. I mean, what is weird anyways? But I was glued in front of the window in a complete trance. But honestly, how long does it take a guy to dry off and get dressed? Oh yeah, that's right! It's all his fault I was sitting there with absolutely no control over my motor skills to just walk away! Yup! That's it!

But luckily for me, he finally left his bathroom with the open window. Even after he left, I was still standing in front of the window with my jaw on the floor, and my eyes bulging out of their sockets. See told you it was(n't) me... He's gone Xu, you can go away now. No! Not yet! I'm still cherishing seeing Irvine coming out of the shower, with his perfect body which makes me drool... Big deal. Wait, whaddaya mean 'big deal'!? What's your problem? Are you THAT retarded? Grrr.


	3. Selphie! Help!

Selphie! Help!  
  
God! Pick up, pick up, pleeease! After all the favors I've done for you! After all the things  
  
of mine I let you borrow, and you ruined! After all the times I put up with yur crappy attitude!  
  
After-,  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Selphie, this is Xu."  
  
"Hey Xu, what's up?"  
  
"You won't believe what just happened!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You know my neighbor?"  
  
"What, the really dorky one with the red hair and nerdy glasses? What about him?"  
  
"Yeah, that's him. Or at least it WAS him."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean? Are you having another nervous breakdown?"  
  
"No, you see, I came in my room, and my window was open and I hear relly bad singing coming  
  
from his house so I went to colse the window, but then I saw him coming out of the shower!"  
  
"Oh, that sucks. I feel for ya man."  
  
"No, like I said, he's not a dork."  
  
"So what did you see?"  
  
"Well like most other normal people just coming out of the shower, he wasn't wearing any  
  
cloths."  
  
"So he must've looked pretty okay then?"  
  
"Are you kidding? He looked better than pretty okay!"  
  
"And you're not having another one of your hallucinagenic psychotic episodes again, right?  
  
Ya sure? Absolutely?"  
  
"Selphie, I'm being serious here!"  
  
"Okay, I believe you, if you can prove it. I know you're my best friend and all, but this  
  
story seems just a little far-fetched is all."  
  
"So what do you want me to do?"  
  
"I just want proof is all."  
  
"How can i prove it to you?"  
  
"With..... proof Xu!"  
  
"Wait, I see what you're saying! So lemme get this straight. You want me to spy on my  
  
neighbor in the shower, and take pictures!?!? Selphie! Are you nuts!?"  
  
"Well you didn't seem to have a problem with spying on him the first time. All you have to  
  
do is take a picture or two this time!"  
  
"Okay!..... But, only cuz you're my best friend and all."  
  
"Sure Xu, sure." 


	4. Secret Agent Xu

Secret Agent Xu

Okay Xu, it's not your fault! Curiosity killed the cat. Wait, killed! What am I saying? Take a chill pill Xu... Oh! Here comes Irvine! Take five or six! Help yourself! Okay! I just need to calm down. Mellow out. Free your mind Xu. Wait, what is he doing? I didn't just for four hours just to see him brush his teeth! Okay, you're getting worked up again. Check the camera... Camera locked and loaded. Okay, what's he doing now?... Tumbling Teddy Bears!! Okay Xu if you're too jittery, you can't get Selphie's proof.

Okay. Ready... Steady... Click... FLASH... Ooops, THAT wasn't supposed to happen! I don't think he noticed. I hope he didn't anyways. What's he just standing there for? Oh no, he KNOWS! I gotta turn this stupid flash off. Okay. Hey! He's still not facing me! Turn around so I can get this over with! One more picture! Come on! Wait, he's getting in the shower... Turning it on...Washing... But not turning around. Grrrr! Oh are you kidding? With this I can't just get one picture! So from then to the end of theshower, it was like a photo shoot. I used an entire roll of film on him. But I couldn't stop there, I had to go to the basement and develop the pictures...

And wow were they pictures... I had to just die to think that I had them now. But my mission had to prevail anyway. I put them in a folder, went upstairs, and called Selphie, "Hello?"

"Selphie, I got your proof."

"Okay, he'd better look as good as you say."

"I guess you'll find out soon enough, won't you? I'm on my way over now."

"I'll be waiting!" So with that, Fully dressed and jittery as hell, I set out for the front door. Cracking the door open just enough to poke my head out, I peered around to make sure the coast was clear. What am I doing? Nobody cares if I go out and get in my car. Nobody at all. I walked to my car and unlocked the door. Absolutely no one.

"Hey Xu." A voice from behind me called. I recognized it, which is perhaps why I nearly dropped the folder under my arm and snapped the key off in the lock,

"WHAT!?" I cried startled,

"Woah, take it easy, I didn't mean to scare you. Say," he said looking at the folder under my arm, "what's that?" A certain grin appearing on his face,

"Uh, they're just some... DOCUMENTS! Yeah, that's it. Documents, and I need to go drop them off. Now if you'll excuse me, this is very important, and I'm in a huge hurry. See you later." And with that, he smiled as I rushed into my car and drove off.


	5. Told Ya So Huh?

Told Ya So... Huh?

"Oh my, I don't think I've ever seen one that size before!" Selphie exclaimed flipping through the pictures until her eyes were content (as if she's ever seen any...). With an occasional, "Ooo, I want a copy of this one or something like that.

"Was I right, or was I right?" I said boasting in 'I'm the man' fashion. She paused looking at the pictures. She finally looked up at me.

"Yup, you were right."-Huh? Did I hear that right? I didn't expect her to admit it so easily. Suddenly I saw an infamous gleam in her eyes I had seen before.

"NO!!"

"Pleeeease! Xu, don't be such a big fat meanie! How come you get to watch him but I can't?"

"Selphie, it's W-R-O-N-g! Do you understand that concept? W-R-O-N-G! Wrong, wrong, wrong!"

"But you did it!"-and I couldn't really say anything to that... God damn her!

"Fine! But just once! And that's it!" She started clapping and cheering like a 2-year-old hyped up on doughnuts,

"Okay, you can stop that now!" I yelled trying to get her to sit down. So it was settled, but I didn't know just what I was getting myself into.

So Selphie came over the next day at around 5pm. We sat in my room playing poker and Monopoly, waiting for Irvine to take a shower. He finally did at about 7pm. We were right in the middle of Monopoly,and I was winning too! But Selphie rushed to turn off the light, and the game got kicked all over the place. He got undressed, admiring himself in the mirror as he went. As soon as his briefs went, Selphie gasped so loud I was sure he'd heard it! Stupid Selphie! We watched as he climbed in the shower and got himself all wet.

"Xu, duck away from the window."

"What!? Why?"

"Do it! It's for your own good."

"Oh god Selphie! What are you doing? Are you totally psychotic!?" I whispered. She stood up, so I did as she said, and she turned on the light. I couldn't do anything but gape at her and wonder if she wasn't crazier than I was. She walked over to my vanity by the window and picked up a random perfume bottle,

"Hey Xu, is it the purple one!?" She called walking towards the hallway. She paused for a second and then yelled, "Blue!? Okay, hold on!" I slowly realized what she was doing, or so I thought. I peered out of the corner of the window and saw Irvine rinsing out his hair, looking at my window.


	6. Selphie, here, borrow my Riddelin

Selphie, here, borrow my Riddelin

After Selphie pretended to be talking to me downstairs, she walked back to the vanity to pick up a different bottle. She stopped when she picked up a random blue bottle and pretended to be seeing Irvine for the first time,

"Hey neighbor!" She yelled waving at him. I peered back out of the corner of the window and he was just staring at her. That's when I realized she was more psychotic than me, "Nice view!" She yelled giving him a thumbs up. I watched as he climbed out of the shower, grabbed it in one hand, shook it at her tauntingly, and closed his curtains still giving her this certain playful grin. She looked at me laughing, having a great old time. I, on the other hand, think that action of hers knocked the sanity back in me. I had seen true crazy now, and what I did was nothing.

"Did you see that!" She laughed her head off,

"Yeah, and it was absolutely stupid!"

"Not necessarily, that actually showed signs of a sense of humor."

"I wasn't talking about him, I was talking about you!"

"Oh lighten up Xu. Now's your chance!"

"Chance to what? kill myself!?"

"No! This is where you go over there-"

"Go OVER there!! No! I'm not gonna do it!"

"Let me finish! Go over there pretending I told you what I saw, and you knew nothing about it. Then you apologize for my behavior."

"Selphie, I'm not going to apologize FOR you. You have to do it on your own."

"No Xu, you're just not getting it! That'll give you a chance to talk to him."

"...Oooooh. I get it! And then... Oh!!"

"So are you gonna go, or am I going to be left out there looking stupid?"

"Well you'd look stupid anyway Selphie, but I'll go regardless."

"Good, but you have to tell me what he says."

"I know, I know." I said standing up and heading for the stairs. Outside seemed less inviting than usual. I walked to Irvine's door like I was expecting a leprechaun with an ax to jump out of the bushes and chase after me trying to chop my legs off. Even though it was only a few yards, I took forever. After about a year and a half, I finally made it to his front door. I was going to push the doorbell, but my finger stopped. I decided I would count to 3 and push it. So at about 24, my finger betrayed me and pushed it when I wasn't looking. The doorbell was rang... There was no turning back now.


	7. I need something stronger than Riddlein

I Need Something Stronger Than Riddelin

I was fidgeting like you wouldn't believe. The five minutes I waited there at the door was like a slow walk down death row. I was thinking I should run away and he may dismiss it as some trick. But that wasn't good. All I had to do was apologize for Selphie. Then run home and dive under a rug. Why? I have no idea. Irvine answered the door, and I though "Just stay calm and act innocent."... That was until I looked at him. He was only wearing a towel, his hair was all messy, going every which way. There were droplets of water all over, running down his body, and he wasn't wearing those god-awful glasses,so his green eyes were very outstanding.

"Xu? What's wrong?"- Oh man, oh man!

"N-nothing." I stuttered,

"Oh, I thought something might be wrong, it's sorta late isn't it?"- Hot... Hot!

"Yeah, I wasn't interrupting anything was I?" I said suddenly taking an interest in the ground.

"Not really. I was just getting out of the shower,"- I know...

"So what do you need?"- You to take off that towel,

"Um, well, uh... You know my friend Selphie is over."- Xu, you moron!

"I think I know."- Soooo fine,

"Uh, yeah, she told me she uh..."- Oh gawd! What am I doing here. Look at the doorknob. Yup... Speaking of knobs...

"Oh yeah." He smiled.

"She can be extremely obnoxious. Her behavior embarrasses me sometimes. I wanted to apologize for her."- Xu, after this is over you'll be on more pills than a pharmacy.

"That's okay. It was my fault."- That you haven't taken that towel off!

"No, she's just weird."- Don't look at him! No lookey, no touchey! Look at doorknob!

"It's okay. Well, see you later."- At the gym... No!... I mean heaven... Stop!

"Bye." Walk away! Now! Damn you! Go... So I walked back home. Of course Selphie opened to door before I even touched it. I told her what happened.

"... Describe him again."

"Selphie! Stop. I need to go take something. Like some green pills, or maybe orange ones, or maybe even the pretty blue ones."

"Xu, are you okay?"

"No."

"Yeah... I noticed. You just need to take a chill pill."

"Sure, what color is it?"

"No, I'm serious. Take a deep breath. Now tell me if you like him or not."

"I really can't say. I don't know the first thing about him... Besides the fact he looks really bad when he goes to work."

"That's it!"

"That's what?"

"You need to ask him out!"


	8. The Worst Idea Ever

The Worst Idea Ever

"Selphie, do you realize how particularly stupid you sounded just then?"

"Quiet! I'm concentrating!"- She said flipping through the newspaper. Ironically, she must've been concentrating so hard it only looked like she was flipping through the newspaper.

"Xu, what time is it?"

"7:48 pm... Why?"

"... Why don't we go ask him to come to the movie with us?"

"Because we're not going to a movie."

"Oh on the contrary, we are now."

"Oh geez."

"Come on Xu! Quit being such a dim candle! It's not even 8! The night is young!"

"Don't say that! I hate that phrase."

"It's now or never Xu!" She said running to the door,

"Never!" I called after her. But it was no use. By the time I got to the door, he was already agreeing to go. The car was deathly silent. It might as well have been a coffin.

"So Xu, what are we going to see?" he asked looking over at me form the passenger seat.

"I don't know Selphie, what ARE we going to see?"

"You'll find out when we get there."- Oh no, I've seen her taste in movies... As if it weren't bad enough Irvine was with us. So we got there at about the speed of light, because after all, I was in a hurry to get this over with. The whole experience was like getting a series of shots with an over large and elaborate needle injected into my eyeballs.

As if that doesn't just make you hurt to think about it, turns out Selphie planned for us to go see some stupid, sappy chick-flick! Irvine laughed, but I was furious. Of course she actually thought this was funny, but it looked like I wanted to see the movie too!

"Selphie, this is the last time I go to a movie with you unless I get to pick!" And Irvine over heard me say that and though it was quite hilarious. What DO you do in a situation like that? We couldn't just go home. We had no other choice but to suffer through the torture... I mean, 'movie'. I would've rather been going through the sewer looking for rare jewels in my underwear than sitting there at that moment.

Not to mention I felt PARTICULARLY uncomfortable when one of those sickening make-out scenes came on, due to the fact I was sitting next to Irvine. Selphie would nudge me when they came on and wink. I wanted to bite all of her fingers off, one by one. By the time the movie was over, it was almost 10pm, and I though my eyes were rotting out of my skull.


	9. With a Good Ending

With a Good Ending

First I had to drop Selphie off, which was like getting rid of a tumor. I mean don't get me wrong, Selphie was my best friend, but it seemed whenever Irvine was within visual range, she was a total ditz, like her retard-ometer went off or something. I figured she'd have something stupid to say after she got our of the car, so I sped off without giving her a chance. And with the way I had been driving, Irvine probably figured I shouldn't have a license. But I didn't care. I needed to get home and dive under than rug I previously mentioned.

"So, that was some movie."

"...You could say that."

"Do you usually watch those kinds of movies?"

"Of course not. I dunno why Selphie chose that movie over all of the horror, blood-and-guts movies that are out. I am forever damaged!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean... You know, that's the most you've ever said to me at once."

"You were keeping track!?" Immediately my face tensed in a 'why did I just say that?' way. Luckily, he laughed, taking it as a joke.

"Hah, sorta." Desperately, I searched for something else to say.

"Maybe we should hang out more often." No! Not that! Well maybe it'll all work out? Hopefully he wouldn't realize that I had never made that suggestion any other time in the two years that we've been neighbors. Hey! It's not my fault.. That was before I saw him naked in the shower. I mean...

"Yeah, maybe we should. As long as Selphie doesn't pick out a movie." Wow, was that a joke just now? Let me see.. Sounds like a joke. Smells like a joke. Yup, it was definitely a joke. Not that I know what jokes smell like...

"Yeah, I know what you mean." So I pulled into my driveway, his house was simply a short walk, he could go home on his own! Yeah, I said it!

"Well, I can't really say I had fun, but it was interesting." Irvine said smiling at me with his gorgeous smile.

"Same." I said laughing a bit in a thinly veiled attempt to hide my panic. We're standing in front of our houses! What am I gonna do? There's no way this can end well, it's impending doom. All I could do was look around nervously, trying to avoid becoming even more afraid of his inhuman good looks.

"Well, I suppose I'll see you later then." Suddenly he seized my hands. This caught my attention, I stiffened with fear. What's this now! Quick as a flash, he leaned in and pecked me on the cheek. Peck?... PECK!! I stood there frozen, my eyes widened to the point of falling out. Irvine simply looked me in the eye, grinning.

I don't know exactly when I turned around. I don't know the look on Irvine's face, or exactly what it was he was calling after me. It just seemed like the very next that happened was I started running. Headed toward my door at full speed. I didn't look back, I didn't give a proper goodbye. Just RUN!! Evidently I hadn't locked my door, because I burst back into the house, falling over trying to slow down. I heard Irvine saying something off in the distance, but, from the floor, I quickly slammed my door. What just happened? What did I just do?

I realize I haven't updated in 4 years. So sue me DX I know, I'm a bad writer, a very bad writer, and now I have to go to bed without dessert.


	10. The Sour Realization

The Sour Realization

Xu! What did you do! How could you just run off like that?... Hey, don't criticize me, that was scary!... Yeah, but did you really have to take off running? Now what am I going to do? I can never show my face again! I'll have to walk around with a paper bag over my head. I can paint a cute smiley face on it, so people will think I'm perfectly happy, and maybe they won't notice that it's on a bag... That is over my head. I had to further escape the horror, so I ran upstairs to my room, falling on my face once more with a loud _thud_. I turned my light on, and ran to my bed getting about every Monopoly piece stuck in my foot. I dove for cover on my bed, trying to hide form the world, lest they find out how I had just booked away from Irvine. Yeah, I knew the world was watching. They were trying to catch dirt on me. That's why I looked out from under my covers with suspicious eyes. Just when I figured I was done giving my wall a suspicious face, and that I should pull the Monopoly pieces out of my foot, the phone rang. Maybe it was the world calling? I quickly cast my suspicious eyes at the answering machine.

"Xu... and probably Irvine, too. Pick up one of you? Please? It's not that hard. Just climb off each other for a minute and answer the phone. And put some cloths on.. I don't want to talk to a naked person on the pho-" I finally picked up and told her what happened.

"Xu! How could you do that? Just when I set everything up so perfect."

"Perfect? Selphie, that was a terrible movie. You acted like an ass the whole time."

"That didn't mean you had to run off on the guy."

"I know, I know. But I panicked. I couldn't help it."

"Then you know what you have to do?"

"...What?"

"You have to try and set up another date"

"Selphie! That's an awful idea. I can't show my face... And something about a bag and a smiley face. I had it all figured out!!"

"Don't you worry about it."

"Selphie!" But the line went dead. The panic came back. What would she do? She knew where I lived!

This had turned out to be a terrible day. It didn't have a good ending at all. More importantly, I had to figure out how I would avoid this new, and undoubtedly evil plot that Selphie would surely conjure. Of course not knowing what her plan was, or when she would attack put me at a disadvantage. I would just get through with my common sense, and quick thinking. I'm a SeeD, after all! Oh, but so is she... Darn!


End file.
